Numb?

Feeling. Can you do that?
If you can, then you must be happy. Aren’t you happy because you can feel? 

Weird, isn’t it. Because I don’t feel.
Or maybe I do, just not the way people mean it. I can only feel three things.

Anger. Fear.

These two make sense to me because I don’t just feel them. I act on them.

I feel fear deep in my bones.
Like it’s moving through my veins.
Like it owns me. And I’m angry.
So angry it feels like I might tear myself apart from the inside.

Stop. Stop.
All those red dots, believe me, I’m a white dot here.Stop. Don’t come near me.!

I say that all the time.Because I’m angry. And nobody believes me.

There’s one more feeling .The last one I can feel.

Agony.

I live in it. Maybe it’s me.Maybe it’s the reason I laugh.I laugh at jokes. At silly, stupid things. Because underneath that, I exist in agony.  

Only three feelings.
Fear. Anger. Agony. Accept that.

Because I don’t feel sympathy, empathy, love, admiration, care, or whatever else people name. I know the words. I just don’t know the feeling.

Either I feel too much,or I don’t feel at all.That’s what numb is.

And if there’s a scale for it,
I’m at the far end.

As I say ,
I'm Brilliantly Numb.

• Salsabil Nowssin