Why Am I Yours?

Am I too shallow? Am I too much? Or am I simply not the right fit?

"Well done. That’s my girl."

I swear no one could have been happier than I was in that moment. For a second, it felt like the whole world could belong to you. 

I thought, why not give everything for you? Why shouldn’t the greatest things I do be for you? I would climb mountains just to scream your name at the top.

"I did it because of you."

The first time I won a competition, I wasn’t even happy about the rank or the prize. When I heard my name announced perfectly on that stage, the only person I thought about was you.

As I walked to the stage, a single thought kept repeating.

"If he sees this, he’ll be so happy. He’ll be proud to have me. He’ll look into my eyes and say, 

‘That’s my girl. Well done.’"

Every time I dreamed of doing something great, I imagined your pride first. Not the applause, or the reward. your approval.

Until the day I failed in one particular field.

And strangely, I wasn’t heartbroken because of the failure. I was terrified of how I would face those eyes that were only meant to be proud of me.

Then you said it.

"You are good for nothing."

If I had the power to count forever, maybe I could measure how many pieces my heart shattered into at that moment.

From the day I won to the day I lost, you only ever heard the results. You were never there in the field. I was ready to bleed for it, yet you weren’t there to even look.

Now I’ll keep doing things. More and more. As much as I can. Maybe even as badly as I can. But the truth is worse than that.

I love you deeply, and I hate you just as much.

I have learned to rely on myself and strangers. Even when outsiders slap me in the face, it somehow hurts less than your silence.

I can change almost everything about myself.

But tell me, Papa, how do I change the fact that I belong to you?

Maybe that is the real curse.

So perhaps I will disappoint you again and again until the very end.

As I say,
Become brilliantly numb.